January 2009 - Actually I would have to say back in November but I will just start here. My Dad was killed on Jan.21,2009... exactly one week before I turned 18. Due to somebody's ignorance to drink and drive. I fell apart completely. I was beyond mad at God, I didn't understand How he could love someone and provide the desires of their heart and yet take away the one thing they had ever wanted in life! I just couldn't put the pieces together. My relationship with Christ went from AMAZING! to Crap real quick!
Not to long after that I turned to everything but God to try and make things better! Nothing worked! I was to the point of quitting! (its happened quite alot this summer) in fact at this point I did! I threw the towel in! I gave up! Yep I said it I had quit! I would tell people what they wanted to hear over and over again so they would get off my back! and I enjoyed it all at the same time because I thought that more I said I was ok, or that I would be like yeah Im trusting God with the situation that it would actually come true.
February 2009 - 2 weeks after my Dad was Killed I ended up at a purity conference at Beulah beach with a group from Cedarville U.(I'm a little sad I'm not going there) and still to this day I am trying to figure out how I ended up there, but I was there. I was there but at the same time I really wasn't. I didnt really go to any of the group gatherings, or do any of the stuff that was going on. I locked myself in the room I was assigned and cried for the entire weekend. I hated what was going on in my life the 2 weeks prior to the conference, I had hated what I had turned to, I had hated God, and I had hated who I had became!
End of February though I got an email from one of the girls from Cedarville, kInda offering a little hope to the situation that I was facing. Made me think alot and contemplate alot at the same time. It made me realize what needed to be done, but I never did until almost 6 months later.
March, April, May, continued on the same way. I hated who I was, what I was, where I was at in life and pretty much everything about it. I ran so far away from God!
June 2009- Beginning to summer- I graduated High school! It was the best feeling ever! but also the scariest because I had no real Idea to what I was gonna do! at the same time I was battling all the things that were going on months before! Like, How could God love me now? How am I of any worth to anybody? If God would have let my Dad live things probably wouldnt have been this way!... some severe spirtitual turmoil!
I ended up going to New Orleans on MIssions Trip, and honestly for all the wrong reasons. To hang out with friends, to get away from everything I was facing and dealing with.
The trip was well amazing, I was sick half the trip but thats kind of my own fault, but it was the beginning to a summer I would never forget. I met a girl on the trip who kinda caught on to the ways that things were going and the way I was handling things. She was definitely not afraid to call me out on it either! but it was a good thing.
I realized me running away from my problems, is also causing me to run away from Jesus! Through her and the girl from Cedarville ( there is actually a few from cedarville that really spoke into my life during this time) and a girl from Beulah beach itself I seen it! almost 6 months later I realized it!! and it was probably the hardest thing ever to realize! I mean I knew what I was doing but actually seeing that kinda hit me hard!
I was running away from Jesus! My very Savior! even when I had said things were going good and I was making up stuff that people wanted to hear to make them happy, it was causing me not to run to my God! I mean I said that probably a million and one times over the course of this time and when I actually realized how bad it was I broke! COMPLETELY!
I realized that I need to take my junk to Jesus! I need to let Him be my healer! My father! My provider! My satisfier! because thats what he is! I realized that its not about perfection or the things that have happened int the past but about loving him and loving people! and learning to love yourself the way Christ sees us and loves us! and honestly Its the best feeling in the world!
I have learned that only Christ can make things better and pull the broken pieces of my life together! Not people, nothing but Him! He is enough! and He is all we need! He is all I need!
I like knowing that I may not have a father here with me now but I have My Father in heaven who loved me so much He gave His one and only son to be crucified on the cross for me.
The greatest thing of all is this, in which I learned tonight, Jesus Died to give us Freedom! so we can walk in Freedom! and Not be enslaved to our past! The things I have done in the past no longer define me but Christ does.
'" I have been crucified with Christ It is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me. the life I now live by the flesh I now live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me"
I am a new creation in Christ! the old me is Gone for good! I'm walking in that freedom and I love it!
So on august 16th I am getting baptized out of obedience to Jesus Christ and I'm absolutely excited! Its crazy because I see how the enemy is at work with that! I was a wreck the past few days due to some stuff thats been going on but I know My God is so much bigger and better than that and he has equipped me with what is needed to fight this battle! I know he doesnt give me what I cant handle and with Him that is everything!
and I leave with one of my favorite quotes from the purity conference...
" By affliction He shows us our emptiness and weakness, draws us to the throne of grace purifies our affections, weans us from the world and makes us long for heaven"
its been my life and exactly what has happened!